Learning to swim - for the second time in my life

I was born in a small seaside town in England. We could smell the sea air from our house. My Mother used to take my sister and I to the beach everyday as toddlers. So from an early age I loved playing in water.

From paddling in the sea, I taught myself to swim at age 7. From then on you couldn't keep me away from water. Every chance that came to me, I jumped in to swim. Even the cold, icy sea water of Ireland didn't put me off. On a vacation to Rome, all I wanted to do was jump in the hotel pool. The tourist sites were of no interest to me!

Then we moved away from the sea. But that was not a deterrent for my father. He just dug up our whole back yard and put a swimming pool in its place. For a suburb of London that was rather strange behavior. Our Greek neighbors just thought we were eccentric Jews....

So for the next 20 years of my life if I ever wanted to swim, I could just jump out of my bedroom window. That's a bit of an exaggeration as my bedroom was on the first floor. You also have to take into account that London's weather is mostly cold and rainy. Anyway I did swim a lot, either at home or in an exclusive pool in a trendy gym.

Then I got married and moved to Israel. After 3 kids, and a few brief dips in the Mediterranean, I decided to take up my swimming career again. Our neighbourhood has a big pool with women-only hours. So every Friday morning I rushed to drop off my kids in school, and did 20 laps in the pool. It was fun, except for my collisions with big fat Russian ladies swimming backwards and Israelis that came in the water just to chat.

Suddenly with very little warning after child number 5, my swimming career came to an abrupt end.

I was hospitalized for 4 months with Severe Ataxic Sensory Neuropathy. In lay terms this means I was disabled as a quadraplegic, with all my senses of balance damaged. To give me encouragement, a top Neurologist in Jerusalem bluntly said to me that there was little chance of recovery.

But I didn't cry much. I still had my arms and legs; and could talk, see and eat normally. Believe me, I saw much worse in the hospital.

When I returned home in a wheelchair it took me time to adjust to being a wheelchair-mum. After a year or so, my family convinced me to try swimming again. So a few times I tried swimming with my husband in a regular pool. But for me it was a failure. I had to be held like a baby and I just flapped my hands. The water took away all my sense of balance and I was completely disoriented.

I saw people around me swimming normally, and then I really cried.

I don't know why not being able to swim upset me so much. It hurt more than not being able to walk on my own (I walk with leg casts, a walker and someone behind me). In the end I came to terms with it, and decided to accept it as part of my "new" life.

Then 3 years later, a clever doctor suggested hydrotherapy. But it was winter, I had no careworker, and a dozen other excuses not to go swimming again.

This week the weather suddenly got very hot. So I thought let's go for it, and give swimming a final try. So I took the plunge and went into the water with a professional teacher in a special pool. After slowly easing me to put my head in the water, the teacher gave me a rubber "snake" and told me to swim the stroke I wanted. I chose front crawl, my fave Olympic style of swimming.

Knowing I was in safe hands I gave it my best effort. In less than one minute I swam to the end of the pool. "How was it", she asked in Hebrew. I just burst into tears - tears of joy as it was so wonderful that I could swim again. "Another few sessions in the pool", she said, "and you'll be able to swim on your own".

You can't imagine how happy I felt - and still feel about it. What is the importance of being able to swim? Many people live a very fulfilled life without ever going swimming.

I can't answer this question. All I know now, is that it is a very important part of being "me". So I see that I should never give up trying to be "me", but be the best "me" that I can.

So I truly thank G-d for all he has given me, and hope this inspires others to keep trying to do what they really want to in life.

Is it permissable for a Woman to breastfeed in Shul?

by Rabbi Moshe Yossef BA (Hons)

It appears that the question of breastfeeding in Shul has not been discussed in the Rabbinic "Responsa", for the simple reason that it was never considered a question!

Breastfeeding in Shul is problematic for the following reasons:

1) Breastfeeding in any public place breaches the boundaries of modesty (tzniut). This would apply even in an exclusively all-female environment. It is true that with caution, it is possible to nurse a baby without uncovering one-self in a way that is at all visible. Even under these circumstances, however, the other issues which will be listed still remain problematic.

2) Breastfeeding in Shul contravenes the laws relating to the preservation of the sanctity of a Shul. These laws are dealt with in Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim Siman 151. You will see there that, for example, even drinking is forbidden in Shul (according to the Biur Halacha, this includes even water). Of course, drinking from a cup does not exposing oneself at all.

3) Breastfeeding in Shul, even when in the most careful and modest way possible, is likely to distract others from having concentration (kavanah) in their prayers. (This issue could arguably be considered an extension of (2) above).


Furthermore, since there is no obligation for a woman to attend Shul in the first place, there are no grounds to apply leniencies in this ruling. This is all the more so since the taking of a young minor to Shul is in itself forbidden on the grounds of their disturbing others from their prayer (by way of their crying etc) - this issue is well documented in Mishna Brura as the well as in Rabbinic Responsa.

In light of the above considerations, there is no permission (heter) in relation to this issue. Be'ezrat Hashem your child will grow up healthy and strong and make his/her own way to Shul, in time to come.

Happy Passover again!

No, not a mistake or a joke. Today the 14th of Iyar is "Passover the second" or more commonly known as "Pesach Sheni".

Women, you don't have to clean your fridge again! You have another 11 months left before you need to drive yourself mad with cleaning everything in site.

Thought your tummies could have a break from Matzahs for a while? No, sorry about that. The custom is to eat a little Matzah to celebrate the day.

So what is Pesach Sheni?

There were some people who were ritually defiled at the time at which they would have brought the Paschal sacrifice (14th Nisan), and were therefore exempted from the Mitzvah. They approached Moses with a request – even though they were exempted from performing the Mitzvah. They did not want to miss out. What could they do?

Moses agreed to consult with G-d, and a new Mitzvah was declared: that of Pesach Sheni – the second Pesach.

On this day, the Paschal Lamb is sacrificed (by those so obliged), accompanied by similar conditions to that of Pesach Rishon. There is, however, no prohibition against possessing, or even eating Hametz on Pesach Sheni.

Today, when the holy Temple in Jerusalem is destroyed and we are therefore unable to offer any sacrifices, Pesach Sheni is celebrated by eating Matzah only.

So what can we learn from this? Let's ask the Rabbi - my husband! (Rabbi Moshe Yossef).

He says we should always seek to fulfill our moral obligations. Don't take the easy way out in life.

For example, we should respect and give honor to our parents. Even if it comes to the point that we can no longer care for them, and put them in a Nursing Home, our job is not over. Visit them, pay for extra care and give them back the loving they gave you.


Source for this post:

It states in the verse (Numbers 9:10-11): “…anyone who is ritually defiled, or too far to be able to reach the Temple in Jerusalem on time etc.., shall offer the Paschal sacrifice to Hashem. In the second month, on the 14th day…”. The Sages of Israel in tractate Pesochim inferred that, in fact, this Mitzvah applies to anyone who intended to offer the Paschal lamb at the appointed time, but was prevented from doing so as a result of circumstances beyond their control.

7 Rules for Parents of Jewish Teenagers

Two Teenagers have suddenly entered my house!

Last summer, I was busy raising five kids. All of a sudden in the month of April, two teenagers suddenly entered my house. Who were they?

My own Son (13 last August) and my own Daughter (12 in March).

As a "newbie" to parenting teenagers, this is what I have learned so far:

Rule #1
Don't go shopping with your Daughter for shoes. This one is not "in fashion", this one has too many holes, this one has horrible colors, this one is too high, this one is too narrow, this one is ???

Rule #2
Be passionate about every interest your Son has. You need to keep up with him on gadgets, supercars, bicycles, guns, warriors ... and more.

Rule #3
Become an expert in acne, spots, pimples and any physical blemishes. This applies to both boys and girls.

Rule #4
Don't ask too many questions. If they are late back, they know they are in the wrong. Asking for more detail just starts an argument. Anyway, being Jewish, they will always answer you back with a question.

Rule #5
Be prepared for violent outbursts like chair throwing, glass breaking etc. In fact anything that makes a loud noise. I advise some bodily protection, maybe an invisible shield?

Rule #6
You have to like their music, and know all the names of the most popular artists. I think this applies to both pop music and Jewish music. You must even be prepared to send a Twitter to their favorite celebrity.

Rule #7
Help them with their social networking! No joke, I have opened a Twitter account for my 13-year old son www.twitter.com/SuperCarFan and a blog for my 12-year old daughter http://jewishgirls.blogspot.com As they can just about write English, guess who has to do all the work?

To summarise:
Listen, talk, listen, talk, listen, talk .............

It's fun, but you need a lot of patience!

I would be grateful for any additions to my list of Rules, as I am still learning.

The adventures of a "Nebbach" - part 2

This is part 2, because I posted part 1 on my blog in December 2007.

Who is the "Nebbach"? Of course it is me. Not because I feel that I am really a Nebbach, but when "horrible" things happen to me I want to laugh about them afterwards, not cry.

So has nothing happened for over a year? Good question...

Episode 5 - winter was coming, and we were short of girls' clothes (and short of cash). So we decided to take up an offer of "amost new" 2nd hand clothes. However this involved making an evening trip into town. For me this is a big event. Getting kids in bed, getting the wheelchar in the van and being schlepped up 2 flights of stairs.

The clothes turned out to be a big disappointment, mainly baby clothes. So a bit fed up, my husband schlepped the wheelchair down the 2 flights of stairs in the dark. As we reached the bottom step, my wheechair got caught and I was tipped forward. Luckily I fell onto the small bag of clothes I was holding which cushioned the impact. But unluckily I fell into a puddle of sewage water!

I felt such a "Nebbach" that I couldn't stop crying. Thoughts of how lucky I was not to hurt myself didn't console me. Even thinking how funny this story was didn't stop the tears. Even knowing that this was probably the hand of G-d didn't help.

Now 6 months later I can laugh, and want to make others laugh at the story (not at me).


Episode 6 - a week before my Son's Bar Mitzvah last August, my foreign careworker left. The previous careworker had stolen all my expensive jewelery.

We then we had to wait another 5 months for a new foreign worker to arrive. She turned up in the middle of Chanukah. After 4 weeks she disappeared never to return.

A few days later, the agency, anxious to get their commission brought another lady. I thought it was just for an interview, but she had her bags with her. Not being in a position to be choosy - no one wants to work with a family - we hired her. Well, I don't know who is the Nebbach here, me or the worker.

The worker comes from a small village in Nepal, and up to now has had a very primitive 3rd World existence. No washing machine, no dryer, no oven, no microwave, no toaster, no hairdryer, no computer, no mobile phone, no MP3, no buses and even no supermarket. How spoilt we are today!

Apart from that, there are "cultural" differences, like eating with her hands, spitting in the street, not washing her hands after the bathroom...

She is still in our employment after 3 months, and can just about use my kitchen appliances. So who is the "Nebbach"?


The answer:
Neither her or me. Every person - Jew or non-Jew - is created in G-d's image (Be'tselem Elockim). This can be found in Genesis (Bereishit) in relation to the creation of Adam, the first human being.

Kabbalah takes this to an even higher level. Rabbi Moshe Corderovo in his book "The Palm Tree of Devorah" (Tomer Devorah) says that "one should not disparage any creature, for all of them were created with Wisdom (Chochmah). This extends to all of creation - inanimate objects, plants, animals and humans.

So, is the end of my "Nebbach" adventures?

What's so different about being a Jewish Parent?

What's so different about being a Jewish Parent?

What's so different about being Jewish?

Here, you can tell I'm Jewish as I have to answer a question with another question! Well is there a difference in Parenting between non-Jews and Jews?

I think so, and all the world's comedians will tell you a joke about Jewish Mothers so there must be a difference.

Here is my take on the differences I have noticed over the 13 years of parenting my five kids.

1. Expectations
Yes, we all have very high expectations for our children. "My Son the Lawyer", or in my circles "My Son the Talmud Scholar." Too high in practice as we all know "As long as they are happy"....

2. Advice from friends & family
We are never deprived of advice from friends and family on how to bring up our kids. "You need to give them more attention", "You need to take them to therapy", "You need to make them help at home" and so on. Great, but whose advice do we follow? Our own usually as of course we know best.

3. Choosing a school
A very difficult decision whatever type of Jew you are. Private or State? Local or in Town? Chassidish or Litvish? Bet Yaa'cov or Torani? In Israel the list is endless. But of course, whichever school you choose, you can be sure you have to fight to get your child in. Unless you have the Jewish weapon of "Protection".

4. Circle of friends
I am sure this is a concern for any Parent, but for affiliated Jews this is a big issue. So what that the friend is Jewish, but is the family suitable?

5. Marriage Partners
I am already worrying about who my 4-year old will marry! For non-Jews nowadays, I hear that "Marriage" is not even the slightest worry as no one bothers with this old-fashioned institution anymore.

6. Worrying
Say no more...

I will end my list now, but I'm sure everyone will point out major omissions. Please feel free to add your comments.

For now, I love being a Jewish Parent, and look forward to being a good "Bubbie".

The Joys of being a Jew in Jerusalem

In the last month 3 special events have made me appreciate being a Jew and living in Jerusalem (the holiest city in the world).

First of all, my oldest daughter became Bat Mitzvah 2 weeks ago. OK, so this happens to all women, but what was so special for me. This girl, my 2nd child was born with a very serious heart defect. As a baby, she was very sick and underwent a few operations. I never thought she would develop well.

But she turned into a beautiful 12-year old girl. Very clever and talented at drawing, playing the organ and school-work. So we celebrated her becoming a woman and taking on all the Mitzvahs. Together we went to the Western Wall and prayed together (me with tears and her with all her heart). Then at home she did her first Mitzvah of taking Challah. On the day of her party she sang a beautiful song thanking G-d and her family for everything in her life.

Secondly a few days ago, an acquaintance of mine from England called me to say she had converted to become a Jew. This made me appreciate being born a Jew, and having had all the opportunities for 48 years of my life to celebrate Jewish festivals. When it comes to performing Mitzvahs and being a good Jew, I guess I haven't taken all the chances I was given. But volutarily taking Judaism on, well that is something else... I also frequently take for granted that I live in the holiest city in the world - Jerusalem.

And today, a third really special event occurred. Blessing of the Sun - Birkat Hachama - only said once every 28 years. For me it was the first time in my life I have recited this blessing. And I had the opportunity to say it in Israel, in Jerusalem, in a religious neighbourhood. What a great feeling. This is only the 3rd time ever it has been said on Erev Passover, so today was really a special day.

So now I can truly appreciate "The Joys of being a Jew in Jerusalem".

Happy Passover!
Chag Kasher Ve'Sameach

How to choose a career for yourself

I am good at giving other people advice as to what work they should do. But when it comes to myself, of course this is more difficult.

For a while I have been dissatisfied with what I am doing. I felt that I had been given this disability in order to something special with my life. My current work selling Internet ads and managing Google accounts didn't seem to be that worthwhile to mankind. As a result, I did less work and racked my brains for something new to do. Just doing exercise and keeping the house together isn't enough for me.

Anyway, work came to me, so I did it as we need the money. I even ventured to visit a client in my wheelchair. Funnily enough, I began to realize that I was getting pleasure from the work. Also I was proving that a disabled person does still have a brain!

Then came the message from above that I was waiting for - but in a very unexpected place and manner.

Last week I had to go into hospital for a minor procedure. Unfortunately we had to take a private doctor, and go to a private hospital in Petach Tikva. Rather different to the normal Israeli hospital.

So they had me all kitted out in the very appealing operating gown, cap and sox waiting to see the anesthetist. The normal questions came (in Hebrew), then the more difficult ones. What was my work? I thought this was a test question to check I had all my "faculties". As my Hebrew is poor, I just said Marketing. Not good enough for the doctor. What sort of Marketing? Hmm, try explaining this in simple Hebrew to a Russian doctor. So I said "Internet marketing like advertising on Google". (I was hoping he would at least know what Google is, and stop asking me more questions).

No, he carried on. "So you must be rich" he said. Haha. I fell for that one. "No way" I said, "You must earn more than me". Then came the killer answer. "I only earn 27 shekels an hour (approx. $6)" he said. I was dumbfounded - I pay much more than this to a house cleaner! So we carried on chatting, and the nurse joined in saying she earnt the same amount.

At the end of this conversation, I just thought what a strange country we live in.

But that's not the end of the story.

I'm in the operating room, having maneuvered myself up to the operating table by 2 doctors. My legs are hoisted up in the air, a drip is in my arm and I am waiting for a nice sleep. Then comes in another doctor and says to me "I hear you do Google work". Well, that's it. There can't be a clearer message to me from above that this is the work I should be doing.

Is there a morale to this story for anyone else? Maybe.

A career - or work as I think of it now - doesn't have to be saving the world or making millions. It should be fun, bring in a few pennies (shekels or dollars are also OK), but most importantly make you feel good about yourself.

Appreciating what you have

I recently spoke to a friend about my writing, and said that I had run out of things to write about. She said just write about things that happen to you. At the time, I thought nothing interesting happens in my boring life. Of course the next day something did happen ....

On a Friday morning, I took a call from a heavily accented Russian lady. Can I come for shabbos she said. It was a contact my husband had made from an email list he subscribes to. I was kind of perplexed, normally we discuss these things first. But something in her voice sounded desperate. So I said OK, as long as you don't mind sleeping in the same room as the kids. Fine she said....Well, I thought she wouldn't turn up like many others we have asked.

One hour before Shabbos, a large middle-aged lady rings our bell. The first thing she says is you have saved me from Arabs. A rather shocking statement....It turns out that the lady is homeless, and is currently living in an Arab hostel. Being Jewish she didn't want to spend a Shabbos in the company of Arabs. Apparently there are no cheap Jewish-owned hostels in Jerusalem.

She was so appreciative of being with Jews, a family, hot food and her own room (my son gave his room up). She had virtually noone to turn to - no husband, kids or family. After she left, I realized how ungrateful we all are for what we have in our lives. We have a beautiful home, but I often feel depressed about not getting out. We have 5 kids, but they frequently drive us 'meshugah'. How lucky we are.....

Patience

I often think about the word "patience".

When I was in hospital, being a "patient" took a lot of patience. You called for a nurse or a doctor, and maybe someone would arrive a few hours later. As one Israeli surgeon bluntly put it, if you don't shout loud in a hospital you die! I will never forget the sweet nurse who when I asked to be taken to the toilet said, "but you went yesterday...''.

In Israel, everyone says "savlanut" - have patience. But the word comes from the verb ''lisbol", which means to suffer. To me this is the real meaning of patience. Everyone says to me, you might get better over time. This requires a lot of patience on my behalf, and yes, a lot of suffering.

Unfortunately, I don't seem to have been born with an abundance of patience. So my question is, where can I find patience. Can I buy it in a shop in Jerusalem? Can I purchase it online? Will it just begin to grow on its own? Any answers please ....

Of course I really know that having "patience" comes from pure faith. So this is obviously a task I have been given to work on.

The adventures of a "Nebbach" - part 1

A few months back I made the decision that I was going to try and make a life for myself. Part of this "new life"was that I was going to get out more. Well this month I got out a lot more and had some unfortunate mishaps in achieving this goal. I have tried to make some sense out of it, but I can't so I have now decided I will try and laugh about it, rather than cry!

Episode 1 - on a day out with my parents we went to an indoor play area for kids. While I was there I asked my Dad to get me a coffee. He came back with a nice hot cup, and I took a few sips. Then I lost my concentration and spilt the nearly full cup over my legs. It was scalding hot, and really burnt. Baruch Hashem we were next door to our doctor's clinic, who treated me straight away. Even with 2 pairs of trousers on, I still ended with a small burn mark.

Episode 2 - recently there was a neighbourhood musical on in a hall in town. My neighbour had written the play and a few of my close friends were acting in it. So I was kind of obliged to go. On top of that I was also offered a free ticket. I went with a friend and sat through 3 hours of fun in a cold hall. Getting home was a bit of an ordeal - being shlepped into a taxi. On my return home I found that I had lost my gold wedding and engagement rings! The cold had made my fingers contract and they just fell off. Some calling round and search still hasn't turned them up.

I have accepted this loss as 'beshert', and as a 'kapparah' for something worse. After all, it is just a material loss, which in the bigger scheme of life is worth nothing at all.

Episode 3 - a friend was having a local bar mitzvah and wrote on the invitation, please come there are no steps. So shabbos morning I got dressed up, and my son Yehuda pushed me up the hill to take me there. Unfortunately there were 3 small steps to negotiate to get in - but we managed. It was a little crowded inside, but it was nice to see my friends. Coming down the steps, the wheelchair got stuck and I was tipped out to fall flat on my back on the pavement! Apart from the embarrassment, I got some nasty scrapes on my knee and arm.

Episode 4 - another friend was making a bar mitzvah in a wheelchair accessible hall. So, braving the cold weather I went out in an evening to wish her mazal tov. This time I managed a small loss, but it still bothered me nevertheless. I mislaid my cheap fingerless black gloves. The next day we called the hall and found out that all "lost and found" items were just thrown out in the garbage!

Well, by now I was feeling a real nebbach...Was it really worth going out if "disasters" were going to happen everytime?

Episode 5 - determined to break the pattern, I went to the 3rd bar mitzvah. This time, nothing happened....

So what can I get out of all these mishaps? No, I am not really a nebbach. But I hope there won't be a part 2 to this story. I just have to get on with life whatever happens, and take the "ups with the downs". I have just orderd a new engagement ring, so my short period of being "single" will end soon!

what it's like to be "OLD"

I guess a lot of people who reach their 40's ponder what it would be like to age and be old. Well, for me I don't need to worry as I already know what it's like to be "old".

I have also had the wonderful experience of spending 10 days as a resident of an old peoples home. A lovely place, but terrible care. At breakfast time, many old people were just falling asleep with their heads in the porridge and noone seemed to care. In the evening, some people were just abandoned in front of the TV.

Being "old" for me now is not being able to care for myself, constantly worrying about going to the bathroom and being too tired to go out and have fun. Also continual complaining and moaning about pain, and discussing medications with every person I meet.

So being "old" is not so terrible really - anyway with 3 kids under 10 I can't be a real Bubba!

Who is in control?

Most of my life, I have felt in control of my days and plans. As a young "Yuppie" I did what I wanted, worked hard, earned good money and only worried about finding a husband.

As a "young" married, things didn't quite go to plan. Number 2 child born with a serious heart problem, money problems, no job etc. But still I felt in control.

Then bang, age 44, my health goes and my life is totally "out of control". But I am still stuck with this control obsession Looking back over the years prior to my disability, I often wonder if could have done something to prevent it, as I hadn't really felt 100% well for a number of years.

Even now, I haven't learnt the lesson. I try to plan my days and things go wrong. This week, my physiotherapist said I must spend more time in a chair, and less time in a wheelchair. The next day, as I was out walking and a wheel fell off my wheelchair and I was forced to sit in a chair most of the day!

So who is in control? There is a good yiddish saying that encapsulates this well:
"A mensch tracht, und die Ebishter lacht".
Roughly translated, it means a man makes plans, and Hashem laughs!

4-wheel drive

Yes, there has come a day when I can use a 4-wheel walker! Not an easy thing to do when your body and legs are like a wobbly-bendy doll...

With 4 wheels the walker can go real fast which is a bit of a problem for me. There are brakes and a seat, but even these are difficult to use. I guess it's like all my other equipment - push weelchair, standard walker, leg casts - in the beginning they were all hard to use. Right now, I need very close supervision to use it. But in the future who knows?

Now winter has started in Israel, getting to walk outside has become more difficult. So I guess I'll be trying out the 4-wheel drive around the house.

Disabled or Physically Challenged?

I don't like putting labels on people for any reason - from religious outlook to political views. But just recently a friend recently asked me how I would describe myself. So I have a dilemna.

In Hebrew, it's OK as I only know one word, and I usually only use it if I want help. In English, though, I don't like any of the words you could use:

Disabled. It could be either mentally or physically. not me

Handicapped. Same as above.

Wheelchair bound. Not strictly true, as I can walk with a walker (as long as someone is near me to catch me if I fall!)

Sick. Could be anything from terminally ill to sick in the head. Too broad a description.

Physically Challenged. Very politically correct and in my case also technically correct. But it doesn't really feel like me.

Actually I just would like to describe myself as "NORMAL", because that is how I see myself. Does anyone else have some other ideas? Just don't say crazy!

One of my legs needs oiling

Well, not my leg actually, but the leg cast needs oiling. Everytime I walk it squeaks!

This is an update on my walking progress, and general attitude to life.

After 2 years of being wheel-chair bound I am fed up of doing exercise for the sake of it. My phyiotherapists set me lots of boring exercise to do on my own, like lifting my legs up, sit ups, playing with plasticine etc. Mostly these exercises involve lying in bed, sometimes with the help of my care-worker. I just can't motivate myself everyday for at least 30 minutes. I need a life!

So this year, I have decided to do things I like doing. Walking outside is fine, and I can now walk to the nearest supermarket, which is very exciting. Today I walked inside a shopping mall which was fun. I have been making jewellry with a neighbour which is fun. And I have also set time aside for learning which makes me feel good.

Apart from this, I am going to make an effort to go to Simchas even if I am in pain. I went to an engagement party yesterday for only half an hour, enjoyed it and still feel the "simcha"now.

I still feel I only have "half a life", but I am working on trying to make it more fulfilling.

Living one day at a time

Friends have said to me why don't I write more often. There are 2 main reasons. Either I haven't got anything humorous to say, or there is no "big message" I have to pass on to others.


Well, these last few months have taught me a big lesson in life. So now I feel I want to pass it on...

When we had to throw out in May our live-in careworker for stealing, I was scared. Even though I hated her, I had come to rely on her after over a year of her being with me in our house. But we had a new girl lined up so it shouldn't have been too traumatic.

Well, I was wrong....the girl left after a week and we had 4 months of temporary help. That meant training 7 different careworkers and training lots of girls/mums how to run our house. On top of this, this "episode" fell over the summer vacation when our kids weren't in full time school. So they needed to be amused as well.

Everyday I thought we wouldn't survive - no cooked meals, clean clothes, plan for the day etc. But we did survive, a "miracle" help always turned up in the end. Now I really know who my friends are!

But the main thing I learned from this difficult time was to trust in G-d and live one day at a time. Not an easy lesson, and I am still working very hard on the "trust" element.

Being positive about pain

Having climbed out of the depression pit, I am now struggling to be positive about pain. It is constant pain to varying levels, getting worse at night.

It is hard to describe neuropathic pain, but it is like pins and needles (and stiffness) in my hands, feet, legs and even mouth. Most painkillers have horrible side effects, and if I take them in the day I am sleepy or I can't even feel my legs.

I keep hearing about these wonderful Tsaddikim that remained positive and upbeat when suffering tremendous pain or terminal illnesses. One always wonders how you would react under those circumstances. Well for sure I am not on such a high Madrega. I complain a lot and can't accept my situation with joy. Give me an answer, what am I doing wrong?

Long time, no blog

I always had in mind to keep this blog upbeat and positive. But the last 2 months have been a real struggle healthwise, so I wasn't even able to face thinking of blogging. Worst of all, my spirit of optimism just evaporated. For a normally rational, in-control person this was very hard to face. Anxiety, depression, inabilility to sleep, not being able to work, not being able to exercise, read, or even listen to music ....

Yes, I do have new health problems. Some of them are perplexing to doctors. I just want answers, treatments and to get out of this slump. Maybe moaning like this will do the trick?

Hopefully I will be able to look back on this entry and see progress.

Happy 46th birthday to me!

My cute girls

A fun snap of Rivki and Tsipi taken on a cheap webcam. This is a typical shot of both girls in pyjamas at a time well after "going to bed time."

Yes, we have an expensive digital camera now, but it's too difficult for me to use! Hopefully I will be able to snap the other 2 cuties soon - Chavi and Malki